Search This Blog

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

My Non-Bucket List

A movie came out a couple of years ago called "The Bucket List".  It starred Jack Nicholson as an older fellow who had a list of things he always wanted to do before he died, or as they say: "kicked the bucket."  Not being a member of AARP, I didn't actually watch the movie, but, judging from the previews and Nicholson's current girth, I thought it was called the bucket list because that's how he measured his fried chicken intake.  Anyway, a bucket list is a list of things one wants to do or achieve before he dies.

Since I am currently 35 and have no major diseases that I know of, I have never made a bucket list.  What I DO have, however, is a list of things I really want to see in this world.  These are not great monuments like Stonehenge (built by gnomes), the Leaning Tower of Pisa (knocked askew by gnomes), or the Eiffel Tower (built by the French, who just LOOK like gnomes).  This is a list of things I think would be really cool or funny to see.  Things like:

  1.  A Chevy Suburban NOT being driven by a 5' tall soccer mom. 
  2.  Someone at Wal-Mart after 10pm who DOESN'T have an unfortunate tattoo and/or respiratory problem
  3.  Flying cars.  We've been promised these things since our parents were kids, and no one has done a darn thing about it.
  4. Someone on a Rascal scooter in a grocery store who doesn't weigh over 300 pounds.  You know, someone who is ACTUALLY disabled and not just lazy.
  5. A news report of Fred Phelps dying of a heart attack while fully "engaged" with an underage male prostitute.
  6. More Hummers broken down or out of gas on the side of the road.
  7. My feet.  (For the record, I have NEVER used a Rascal scooter at the grocery store.)
  8. More honest Facebook status updates.  We all know that "Jane Doe is pondering life's greater mysteries" actually means Jane was pooping and had nothing better to occupy her time than update Facebook.
  9. An auctioneer with Tourette's syndrome. "I'm bid 5, 5, 5, now 10, 10, #$%^&^!!, who'll give me 20?"
  10. Oprah come out of the closet.  It's 2011 and she's worth a billion dollars.  I really don't think anyone is going to give her any grief.
  11. An episode of CSI: Miami that doesn't look like an ad for sunglasses.
  12. The entire cast of Jersey Shore backing over a cliff in an RV driven by MTV's head of programming.
  13. "Plus-size" male models.  They have them for women, why not for men?
  14. Paris in the springtime.  While I would like to see this, I would most definitely NOT like to smell it.
  15. A clown on fire.  Not so funny, is it you red-nosed, seltzer-spritzing freak?
  16. A black guy in a hockey jersey standing next to a white guy in Roca Wear.
  17. Fox "News" going off the air.
  18. MSNBC going off the air.
  19. A mother character in a Disney movie make it to the end of the movie.  A friend of mine pointed out that, in almost every Disney movie, the mom of the main character is either already dead, or she dies during the movie.  Uncle Walt was a rather misogynistic fellow, apparently.
  20. Shorter lists.
That's my list for now, but I may add more things in the future as they occur to me.  Feel free to let me know what you would like to see.

1 comment:

  1. Yes! Keep at this, Junior. You've got something going!