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Friday, July 29, 2011

So Anyway, As I Was Saying....

I know, I know.  It's been 5 months since my last update.  Sue me.  Actually, wait until after my next post in which I will intentionally harass people just to get sued and, therefore, gain media attention.

Moving on....

I have a couple of friends on Facebook who are currently in veterinary school.  Both of them are named Jessica, but I'm not sure what importance that has right now.  What IS important is that I am addicted to their status updates and comments regarding the finer points of being in vet school, mainly because almost every conversation ends up devolving into an educated-sounding discussion of particularly naughty anatomical bits and pieces and their place in the animal world.  (For a good example, google "dirty biological mnemonics", specifically the lewd mnemonic for remembering the cranial nerves.)   Even when the discussions aren't about the ins and outs (so to speak) of reproductive science, they're still highly entertaining and informative.  Entertaining and informative enough that someone could make a TV show out of it.  What follows is my proposal for that show:

They need a House set in the vet world. They can call it "Barnes". He could be a crusty large-animal doctor who now has to practice in an urban small-animal clinic because his arm was permanently damaged in a bizarre calving incident. His best friend is a feline diabetes specialist who has an Odd Couple sort of relationship with Barnes. Barnes has the hots for the clinic administrator, a former staff vet at Pimlico Racetrack until her torrid affair with a jockey ruined her reputation...and her back (you shouldn't stoop to shtup). He will have a team made up of: an Asian guy, a vegetarian, a foreign stud-muffinette (I'm thinking an Austrian - NOT AUSTRALIAN- chick), a bland white guy, and Wayne Newton (just for gits and shiggles). Each week they will tackle a seemingly normal case that has gotten way out of control because of some mystery illness.
Hou...I mean Barnes:  "What we thought was a hairball was really...A BEZOAR*!" 
Wayne Newton: "How does a cat get a bezoar*? Aren't they only found in goats?"
Barnes: "EXACTLY!"
Asian Guy: "Amazing!  How did you figure it out, Dr. Barnes?"
Barnes: "I don't know.  I was leaning back in my chair listening to a Counting Crows CD when suddenly I thought of a goat."
Adam Duritz (lead singer of Counting Crows): "I do NOT sound like a goat when I sing!"
Entire Cast: "Yes you do!!!"
Wayne Newton: "Can I go now?"

*Google it